I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
