I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
