textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
