he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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