i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
