At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
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All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
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P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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