Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
