Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
