i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
