i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
