i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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