In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
