you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
