you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
