Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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