New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
