She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think people are normalizing furries
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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