1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
