I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
