Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
