No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
