Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
