it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
