handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
