Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
