my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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