Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
