OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I supernannyed him into submission
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
