i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
