Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
