I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I look better un-naked...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
