i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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