If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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