out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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