My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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