brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
