did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
