After last night, I could never be a politician.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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