Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
