I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
