I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
