If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize