now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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