I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
