he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
