i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
stop calling my apartment porn island.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
