I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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