I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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