More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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