I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
