and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
