Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
