I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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