omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
