you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
So apparently I’m into choking now
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
