This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
