she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
